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Realizations about yourself often come with a price, usually a lesson long and hard in the learning. Or sometimes, for some odd reason, you are granted a brief glimpse of who you really are. This clarity makes you realize how much you put on, and how little you really know about yourself.
My sudden bouts of sight often come at strange times; while vacuuming the rug, or doing some other mundane chore. Perhaps simplicity does lead to enlightenment. All I know is that I don't do a lot of soul searching; it's a little too painful, and I'm a coward in that way. Bury it deep, pack it in tight, and forget about it, until time erodes the soil and bares the bleached bones of memories and regrets to the light of day. On one occasion, while I was sweeping the kitchen floor, thoughts of my ex-husband and our ill-fated relationship sprang to mind, without call or provocation. As usual, the old feelings of bitterness came with those thoughts, a deep resentment towards the man I had pledged my life to and who had returned my love with several degrees of abuse. I was in an irritable mood to begin with when I started my household chores; usually, that's what motivates me. I'm irritable, I get restless, I start moving the dust from one room to another. So maybe it was a natural thing for my subconscious to bring old, musty things up from the trunk of my memory, dust it off, and work it through. My mind does have an evil sense of humor at times. So, I begin wondering why I still bear this man such ill will, after all these years. And then I began to realize that not all of those feelings were directed at him; there was a large part of that negativity aimed at myself. Because all the things he did to me, I allowed him to do it, out of love, misplaced trust or naivete. So who was the bigger fool? Then I realized how stupid I was being. I was young at the time, I made mistakes, and obviously, so did he. What was important was where I was now. So, piece by piece, I began to let the past fall away from me, as I saw the present and all the gifts the future held for me. I had survived abuse, grown stronger, and become my own woman. I was no longer the lovestruck, beaten down little girl I was once. I could hold my head high. I had survived, and made a life for myself, a life I had not planned for, but better than I thought it would be. It's amazing how much lighter one feels when the burden of self-pity is lifted, and they stop clinging to the past with regrets. In that fifteen minute interval, with a broom in my hand, I became who I thought I was, who I hoped I was, for the first time. And with a grin on my face, I whispered to my ex-husband. "Goodbye, hon." |
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